The concept that keeps me sane
Today I want to talk about the difference between your sphere of concern and your sphere of influence. This concept is one of the most helpful in maintaining my sense of grounded calm, even in the midst of like 19 different calamities of varying degrees. This is the single most useful contributor to my incredibly high chaos tolerance, which is very impressive given how tightly wound I am as a baseline.
The concept is relatively simple but, as with many simple concepts, can be incredibly difficult to actually do. (Like "just exercise and eat healthy", "tell people how you're feeling" or "you know you don't haveto watch the next show just because netflix autoplays, right?"). Your sphere of concern is all the things in the world that impact you in some way, like legislation that affects your healthcare, construction that's happening in your neighborhood, how no grocery store seems to have those Neapolitan wafer cookies you like anymore and wtf is up with that?! Our sphere of concern is large and part of what connects us to our humanity. It also stresses us the eff out.
Conversely, your sphere of influence is all the things you have impact over in your world. What job you do and how you choose to do it, the people you interact with, the thoughts or emotions you have, how you spend your time or money, or whether or not the toilet paper roll is facing the right direction (there IS a right direction and if you know, you know. If you don't, you might be a sociopath, or you probably have much lower blood pressure than the rest of us). We often spend a lot of time considering the things within our sphere of influence and this takes up the majority of our brain power.
Now, the problem comes when we confuse these two spheres. This can happen in two ways. The most common way is when we become fixated on things in our sphere of concern, that are entirely out of our influence. The construction that is happening outside my apartment building at night is for SURE within the sphere of my concern, but I can't exactly make it stop, therefore it's outside of my sphere of influence. And railing against the construction and pacing around my apartment being grumpy about it doesn't do anything about the construction happening, but it does make me pretty miserable and pretty unpleasant to be around (so I've been told. Hypothetically of course... I definitely did NOT do exactly this two weeks ago, because I'm a licensed psychologist and I'm clearly much too together for something petulant like that).
We do this a TON with all sorts of things. Politics comes immediately to mind. But also, when we get frustrated about parents or educators not doing what we think they should to support their/our kids, or when your boss makes ridiculous decisions seemingly without ever having a conversation with a real-life employee. I want you to stop and take a moment to think about something in your life that has really gotten under your skin that is in your sphere of concern, but not in your sphere of influence.
(Did you do it? I'll wait)
The other problematic way we confuse these two spheres is less common, but I think more detrimental. And it's when we believe things to be outside our sphere of influence that are not. The way I see this most frequently is when someone is in a relationship or a job they absolutely hate but feel like they can't leave because *insert reasons that aren't actually true*. Or when people say, "that's just how my kid/partner is" and give up hope that their home lives could be anything other than frustrating and hard. Often this surrendering of control is so defeating that you just begin to believe the idea that one miserable bird in the hand is the only possible choice, over two potentially happy birds in the bush. This one breaks my heart the most but it's not the one that I see messing with people's sanity most frequently. So, let's talk about what to do with the more common "this makes me insane but actually isn't within my sphere of influence and I'm just bashing my head against this frustrating thing over and over and making everyone crazy." (Sound familiar?)
The trick to not fixating on things outside of your sphere of influence is to find the small piece that IS within your control, act on it, and then let the rest go. I couldn't do anything about the construction outside my window happening, but I COULD go down and ask them nicely if they could move their horrible spotlight, so it wasn't shining into our window. And then that's all I can reasonably impact, and so I just have to figure out how to live my life without becoming a pacing rage monster (again, hypothetically. I definitely did NOT stomp around my apartment for an hour driving my partner crazy before going to ask the hypothetical construction workers to help a girl out, because I am ALWAYS CALM AND TOGETHER ALWAYS OKAY JEEZ).
I can't do anything about the state of politics, but I CAN write 500 postcards to voters in swing states to encourage them to vote, and call senators, and donate to campaigns I feel passionate about. Because of this action, I read the daily skimm news in the morning, and then I don't read or check the news for the rest of the day. Nothing in the news is going to change the fact that I'm already doing as much as I can and will only make me feel frustrated at things outside my control. So, I just don't check. And I'll tell you, I'm MUCH happier for it.
Taking action and then letting the rest go allows our brains to calm down. And it allows us to leave enough space for joy in our lives. If you fill your whole brain up with stressful things you can't do anything about, there's no time for your brain to notice "wow, the way those flower petals change colors from the inside of the flower to the outside of the flower is really pretty" or "man, I'm really enjoying this moment with my family" or "lord, these wafer cookies are good" (but no one can experience this because no one carries them, and it's hard to let go sometimes. I'm working on it.) Spending time in our sphere of concern, but not our sphere of influence takes us out of the present moment. The present moment is ALWAYS within your sphere of influence, the future moment NEVER is.
"But Kendra," you ask, "isn't that kind of putting your head in the sand and saying all these big issues aren't your problem?" Not exactly. But it IS protecting your energy so you can use it effectively. No one benefits from me exhausting myself pacing around my apartment raging at things I can't do anything about (see: construction implosion). And if I can't shift that energy into something useful, then all I'm doing is making myself miserable. Not a great outcome. So, find the small piece of that big thing that you DO have control over and do something with it. Maybe that means doing something that actually increases your sphere of influence over time (like running for an elected office, or volunteering to serve as the coordinator for something you care about). Or maybe that means building up small practices over time that add up to a larger impact (like reducing the single use plastic in your home one category at a time).
I'm not saying it isn't valid and important to have an emotional response to something in your sphere of concern, that's out of your sphere of influence. But don't live there. Experience your feelings fully, get them out, and then get up and find the piece you can impact. Because if you live there, I promise you will be perpetually frustrated, stressed out, and will probably be hard for your loved ones to be around.
Remember that thing you identified earlier? The one where you are fixated on something outside your sphere of influence? Think of one small portion of that concern that IS within your control. Maybe the only part of it you can impact right now are the words you use to describe it to your own brain. Or maybe there's some small thing you CAN do, even if it feels like it's not significant enough to make any difference at all. The secret here is that those tiny things DO add up to make a difference, but your brain tricks you into thinking that only big things count.
For me, I can't do anything about being able to spend time with some of my chosen family, who are in at-risk demographics. But I CAN show them that I'm thinking about them and love them, by sending packages in the mail to our nephew who is losing his MIND at home, coordinating online family mario kart nights (that get kind of vicious, but are SO fun) and doing produce drivebys for my friends with veggies from my parents garden.
Find the small things that are within your control and do them, and then let the rest go. Live your life. Make space for joy.
Onward, friends ❤️
