“Surprise” trauma
Today, I want to talk about trauma. Specifically, the spectrum of trauma, and how you can have a trauma reaction without even considering yourself traumatized or being aware that it's happening.
I'm very close with my family, and specifically my father, who lives in my hometown of Sonoma. We talk several times a week on our commutes in to work (when we HAD those) and see each other at least every other week. I'm an only child (which should surprise precisely no one) and am so lucky to have an awesome family. Several years ago, during the fires in Sonoma County, I spent a lot of time refreshing the news with a pit in my stomach, worried about my dad and our house and all the people I love in my hometown. The fires never came anywhere near our property, and my family was (and is) completely fine. I did a lot of crisis counseling in the shelters up there, and generally felt okay about the whole situation when it was over. I'd done my part, my family was safe, life resumed.
A year later, it was a sunny late summer day, and I was driving in my car. And something about the color of the light (you know, that orangey amber light that means fire season), stopped my breath in my chest. I had to pull over my car, because I couldn't breathe and was starting to panic. I did a grounding panic-attack protocol (5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, etc.) some deep breathing exercises and positive self-talk. And in a few minutes, it passed. But if you'd asked me after the Sonoma fires, if I was traumatized, I would have told you no. And yet, I had a complete trauma response.
I tell this story to illustrate that we can have trauma reactions that spring up on us, without us realizing we've actually experienced any kind of trauma. I could not have predicted my reaction to a slight change in the sunlight. Have you noticed an increased stress response to an otherwise neutral event? In my case, it was a change in the light, but maybe your heart starts racing when your email bings? Or you snap at someone when they make an innocent comment about changing a routine?
The fires are incredibly stressful, on top of an already unbelievably stressful climate in your jobs/life, in the country and in the world at large. It's A LOT. And I want to give you permission to feel whatever emotions or physical sensations come up, whether you believe them to be "justified" or not. We are not playing "misery poker" and you don't have to have the winning hand in order to earn the right to have a hard time. THIS. IS. HARD.
How can you be gentle with yourself today? For me, this morning, the world outside seemed so ominous and scary that I asked for an extra-long hug from my spouse, before I left for work. Maybe for you, being gentle means deciding to respond to all those emails tomorrow, instead of before you head home. Or maybe it means ordering take-out so you don't have to think about cooking. Or asking for kind words from people you love.
Please be kind to yourself. You are all doing an amazing job and giving so much more than is reasonable for society to expect from you. I see you. I appreciate you. I am here for you. Please be there for yourself too.
