Toxic positivity is bullshit
Hello! I'm coming to you this morning from my office couch, where I have been sitting so much that I actually think I'm becoming part of the structural integrity of this thing. The world is hard and frustrating and dark these days and honestly, I've pretty much just been sitting and emotionally clinging to a rock in the ocean. Some days it's sunny and beautiful, and other days I'm smashed repeatedly by waves and my hair is a mess.
When people ask how I am (which is a question I think we should just STOP ASKING because good lord, how do you think?!), and I share that I'm fine but struggling a bit with the monotony of shelter in place, or the political overwhelm, or the work chaos or the never-ending shopping-cook-dishes-repeat-until-you-die cycle, they inevitably come back with some platitude about how "things will get easier." Or "you are so strong" or "look on the bright side".
This makes me want to vomit. And smack them. (Physical distancing is really coming in handy so I don't get charged with assault of well-meaning-morons). This knee jerk platitude response is part of Toxic Positivity.
I HATE TOXIC POSITIVITY. Look, I'm generally a pretty optimistic person (not naturally, it's been a decades long struggle. People this sarcastic are not naturally predisposed to rose-tinted glasses), but some days you legitimately do need to just lay on the floor and bitch about how completely screwed the world is right now, like 19 ways to Sunday.
And if I see one more "good vibes only" shirt I swear, I'm going to lose my ENTIRE MIND and force that random person to have a whole conversation with me on the sidewalk about their judgment of the other "vibes" and the ways in which that promotes unhealthy emotional expression and ultimately inhibits mental wellbeing. I think I'm going to have to make myself a shirt that says "Actually, ALL vibes are important" or "My bad vibes will punch your good vibes in the face." That second one is probably not something a psychologist should go wearing out in the world. Or maybe it is. It's possible I'm past the point of caring about what's "appropriate." Stay tuned...
Because here's the deal: it is perfectly reasonable to be having a hard time as a human right now. If you are NOT, I would posit that you either should be giving a TED talk about it, OR you are maybe, kind of, definitely lying to yourself. (No judgment here, you do what you've got to do to get through the day, hun. And if that's a load of delusion and half a bottle of wine in a bathtub, I support you)
When we move to dismiss a HUGE chunk of the emotional spectrum as "icky," we damage our relationships with ourselves and others around us. When we rush to put a positive spin on things, we communicate to people that we can't or won't support them through whatever they are feeling, or that they shouldn't be feeling that way. We make people feel wrong for not being cheery all the time. (I'm sure you know someone who is aggressively cheery ALL. THE. TIME. Think about how much you are rolling your eyes about them right now. Don't be that person).
I'm not saying optimism or finding the silver lining isn't important. It IS. But it comes second, AFTER you've acknowledged what you're feeling. Sitting with bummer feelings is really hard for us, because there's actually nothing to do about them in that moment. Those feelings just need to be seen. THAT'S how you build meaningful relationships with people and with yourself. You let people be all of themselves without moving to change anything right away. You show love and care for where people are right now, even if you are uncomfortable. That's what love feels like.
It's also what about 85-95% of therapy feels like. If we knew how to be better listeners and fearlessly loving friends, we'd need a lot less therapy as a whole.
So, I want you to take a moment to close your eyes and really ask yourself how you are feeling. Don't rationalize or make excuses for ANY of it. Notice how many layers of feeling there are in you. And then I want you to practice saying to yourself that it's okay that you are feeling all of those things. And the next time someone you know shares that something is tough for them right now, I want you to take a big breath, look them in the eyes and say "I hear you. Things are so hard right now. What do you need from me right now to feel supported and cared for?"
That's my question to you all right now: I hear you. Things are so hard right now. What do you need from me to feel supported and cared for?
Onward ❤️
